Went golfing with my Grandpa yesterday. We were on the 12th hole and I hit my tee shot a bit to the left. When we got to my ball there was a big 40ft tree right in my way and I was just going to hit around it when my grandpa chimed in:

“Ya know, when I was your age I could hit it right up and over that tree.”

Well, not to be outdone, my ego took over and I grabbed my 9 iron to hit it right over that tree. I took my shot and THWACK the ball hit dead center of the tree and bounced back 30 yards behind me. That’s when he chimes in again:

“Of course when I was your age that tree was only 2 feet tall.”

ADVICE AND OBSERVATIONS

I don’t trip over things, I do random gravity checks.

I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment … now, it just feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is … “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change things I can and the friends to post my bail when I finally snap.

I don’t have grey hair. I have “wisdom highlights”. I’m just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.

The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes”.

I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I’ll do that second week.

Even duct tape can’t fix stupid … but it can muffle the sound.

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I actually came in there for.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.

LIVING IN THE MODERN WORLD

One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING!

Try explaining marketing to your Blond Girlfriend in terms she can understand.

Well, here it is:

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to
him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.

______________________________ ______________________________ _____________________
* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says,
"She's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.
______________________________ ______________________________ _____________________

* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic
in bed."

That's Telemarketing.
______________________________ ______________________________ ____________________

* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up
to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to
straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm,
and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.
______________________________ ______________________________ ______________________

* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and
says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.
______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________

*You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you
talk him into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Rep.
______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________

* Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

That's Tech Support.
______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________

* You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto
the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of
your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

That's Facebook.
______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________

* You are at a party; this attractive older man walks up to you and
grabs your [censored].

That's Donald Trump.
______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________

* You didn't mind it, but twenty years later your attorney decides
you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.

That's America !

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were eating some crawfish, and of course, sucking the heads. Boudreaux accidently sucked one down his windpipe, started to choke, and turned blue. Thibodeaux was horrified and knew he had to save his lifelong friend. Remembering something he had heard about saving a choking person, he ripped Boudreaux's trousers down and licked him straight up the crack of his butt. Well, this made Boudreaux so sick that he puked out the crawfish head.
After catching his breath, he turned to Thibodeaux and said, "Mais, Thibodeaux, you know you are my best fren and I love you for savin my life. But I just have to ax, what was dat ting you did to me? Dat was disgusting!
Boudreaux beamed and said, "Dat was dat dere hineylick maneuver dey talk about.

First one I thought of sorry I know its an oldie.

What's with all the fuss about Black Friday? All Fridays matter.

I dont know why they dont call it Thanksgiving Clearance Sale?

Sorry but I love a good pun. if there be such a thing!

>
> > Frank and Dianne were in a local shopping center just
> before Christmas.
>
> > Dianne suddenly noticed that Frank was missing, and as
> they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone.
>
> > Dianne asked, "Frank, where are you?
> You know that we have lots to do."
>
> > Frank said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we
> went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with a diamond
> necklace? I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would
> get it for you."
>
> > Little tears started to flow down Dianne's cheek, and she
> got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.
>
> > "Well, I'm in the Hooters next to that."

2 older gals walking down the street one says to the other My husband just got me a dozen beautiful roses for no reason at all.

The second gal said oooooh that would be enough to keep my legs in the air for a week!!

The first(blonde) gall replied HMMMMMMM, I just used a vase!!

ring and a boom boom ching

RETIREMENT BONUS

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,

'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.


But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,

''Where are your testicles?''



The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.