1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

3. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good...) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!

What is Hellen Keller's favorite color?







corduroy

Black

"President Obama said the day after the budget deal is made he's going to concentrate on immigration. He says he'll start by deporting Ted Cruz." –

February 2017

An old man walks up to the gate of the White House and asks the guard if he can speak with president Obama.
The guard replies he is no longer president and doesn't live here anymore.
Old man says "thank you" and leaves.
The next day the old man comes back and asks if he can speak with president Obama.
The same guard replies he is no longer president and doesn't live here anymore.
The old man says "thank you" and leaves.
The third day the old man comes back and asks if he can speak with president Obama.
The same guard looks at him with concern and says "sir this is the third day in a row I have had to tell you that president Obama is no longer president and doesn't live here anymore". Are you ok?
The Old man says "there's nothing wrong with me young man"
I just like to hear the answer you give me!

The guard gives the old man a sharp salute and says " Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow sir!"


This was told by one of the British guys I work with.
The Brits we're excited and loved Obama when he was first elected. (Even their ultra conservatives seem liberal to USA conservatives) so for them to change their opinion of him due to his progressive policies speaks volumes of the impressions he has left with American conservatives and the rest of the world.

Doc.

Broken pencils are pointless

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'


'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
And what kind of lettuce?
Iceberg.

Obama

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end

Q: Have you heard about McDonald’s new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

THE LAWNMOWER "
>
> We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I
> heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make
> sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single
> wire along the top of the fence.
>
> Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26
> miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet
> into the ground. The ground rod is the key, the more you have in the
> ground, the better the fence works.
>
>
> One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push
> mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact
> that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and
> reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
>
> It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all...
>
> Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and
> the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is
> about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow
> on fire on the cover.
>
> Time stood still.
>
> The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of
> my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition
> firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton
> rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with
> the engine.
>
> It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were
> fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
>
> Science says you cannot [censored], pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to
> differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
> different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of
> bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and
> BAM BAM BAM you just [censored] your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were
> minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like
> exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
>
> At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the
> fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go.
> I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always
> had those "cheap" chargers made by International or whoever that were
> like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
>
> This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting
> signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this
> point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the
> lawnmower runs out of gas.
>
>
>
>
> 'Darn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
>
> Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping
> run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered
> in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh please die...
> Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely
> and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go
> command from its owner's right foot.
>
> I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on
> the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was
> later on in the day and I was sunburned.
>
> There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then
> another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the
> ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the
> resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
>
> Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
>
> 1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
>
> 2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
> (not the left, just the right).
>
> 3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you
> might think.
>
> 4- My left eye will not open.
>
> 5- My right eye will not close.
>
> 6- The lawnmower runs extremely well now. Seriously! I think our little
> session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better
> than new after that.
>
> 7- My testicles are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
>
> 8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the
> number 4 (still don't understand this???).
>
> That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
> appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
> sure the fence is unplugged before I mow....
>
> The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can
> clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me
> a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check
> before I mow

A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip
short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border. "May I see your
identification, please?" asked the agent. "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.. "Sure buddy, I hear that
every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent. "But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of
Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other." "This I gotta see,"replied the agent. With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind. "By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip
back to Chicago ." Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago ?"

The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle." 5

WISE ITALIAN GRANDFATHER

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?

A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.
A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman.”

"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife.”